


Hold On

by Desolate_Smog



Series: small fics for the soul (writer's month 2020) [13]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Funeral, M/M, Minor Character Death, Queerplatonic Logic | Logan Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:14:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26007820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Desolate_Smog/pseuds/Desolate_Smog
Summary: Logan's brother and his brother's wife have passed away; leaving behind their son, Patton.Writer's Month 2020, Day 20 - loss
Relationships: Logic | Logan Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders
Series: small fics for the soul (writer's month 2020) [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1859371
Comments: 2
Kudos: 63
Collections: Writer's Month 2020





	Hold On

It was the end of a regular Wednesday, Logan in his customary seat across from Dee, both of them with copious amounts of paper strewn about the table between them. It was Dee’s turn to play the background music, a soft vocal-less jazz giving the atmosphere a pleasant feel. Logan’s paper piles ranged from new science papers to dismal pop quizzes and planning for his classes. He wasn’t technically allowed to know about the papers surrounding Dee, but he did recognise some of the more common papers regarding the legal processes Dee had to follow in his job.

Logan reached for a sticky note to remind himself to chase up one of the other teachers about one of their mutual students when his mobile went off.

It broke the peace that had settled over the two of them. Logan blinked at the phone, trying to figure out who would be calling him.

Logan sighed deeply as he read the name lighting the screen up. He pushed his glasses up and rubbed at his eyes.

"Oh, I know that face." Dee said, somehow both sympathetic and amused. "What does dear Aunt Witch want?"

Logan shot Dee a disapproving face and answered the phone.

"Good evening, Mother."

"Take your time, that’s fine." She said.

"My apologies,"

"We aren’t talking about you’re appalling time management skills," she interrupted. "There’s..."

Logan looked at Dee and furrowed his brow. "Mother?"

Dee put his pen down and rounded the table, gesturing for Logan to activate the speaker.

His mother cleared her throat as Logan pushed the right button.

"There was an accident." She said. "Chris and Maya didn’t survive."

"Teal?" Dee whispered.

Logan had forgot that Dee insisted on calling his brother by the nickname. Chris had called Dee "Yellow" their whole lives, and in return Dee called Chris "Teal". Whether or not teal was Chris' favourite colour or a random colour Dee picked was something that Logan had never learnt.

Dee shook his head and picked up the phone after a glance at Logan.

"They... they died? When’s the funeral?" Dee asked.

"This was a private conversation."

"Mother, Chris..." Logan tried to say, tried to wrap his mind around what he’d been told.

She sighed. "... Yes. The funeral is Friday. You know the dress code."

"Wait—" Dee interrupted. "What about their son? Patton?"

Logan gripped the edge of the table as he waited for her answer.

"I don’t see how that’s any of your business, Janus."

Dee glared at the phone, a wetness about his eyes. Logan grabbed at his wrist before he could say anything.

"Is he alright?" Logan asked, far more tactfully than Dee would have managed. He pretended his voice hadn’t cracked in the middle.

"Yes, yes, he’s fine. I will see you Friday. I really must go now." She said, sounding distracted and unlike herself. She hung up before Logan could ask any more questions.

The jazz music didn’t sound nearly as pleasant as it had earlier.

"Lo," Dee said, taking the hand from his wrist and holding it in a shaking hand.

Logan shook his head and held Dee’s hand tightly, grounding himself in reality.

"We—" Logan cleared his throat. "We need to contact our bosses."

Dee’s hand twitched around his own and stepped closer. Logan leaned in, understanding Dee’s need to comfort and be comforted silently.

"God, Logan." Dee whispered. "Teal..."

"Would..." Logan pressed himself in closer, ignoring the pain that the action brought him. "Would you mind terribly if... we shared a bed tonight?"

"Of course." Dee said, wrapping an arm around Logan. "I... of course."

\----

There’s something about returning to your hometown for a funeral that changes everything about it. The journey back feels longer, people seem less like you remember them being, traffic is worse than it should. Logan can’t tell if the differences are warped because of his sadness or his time away.

His bad leg ached, but he refused to take anything to ease the pain. He was certain that Dee had noticed, considering the walking stick he’d brought with him.

The car ride from the airport to Logan’s parents’ house was silent. Logan had turned off the loud boppy music the radio offered less than a minute into their travel. Dee was driving—which Logan assumed was another sign that the other man had noticed his pain—and Logan spent the drive trying to numb his heart.

While he may not have been close with Chris, he still loved his brother. There were secrets that he’d only ever confessed to his brother, and Chris was the same with him. Logan was the one he’d gone to when Maya accidentally became pregnant. Chris was—had been—the only person to know Logan’s true feelings toward Dee and what that meant for their relationship.

They’d drifted apart after Chris had moved in with Maya. Logan had only met Maya in person a few times, not nearly enough for them to have a proper relationship. He knew their son Patton better than he knew Maya.

Most communication between Logan and Chris had been phone calls for birthdays and sometimes Christmas, which were often hijacked by Patton. Over the years Patton had mellowed out from a hyperactive child, and Logan hadn’t seen much of him.

"Lo?" Dee said. It broke the silence, and brought Logan back to reality. They were nearly at his parents' house, and Logan was thankful for the time to prepare.

He nodded at Dee and gave his leg a squeeze in acknowledgment and gratitude.

This was not going to be pleasant.

Dee pulled into the driveway, and Logan noticed a curtain shift.

"Remember," Logan muttered, staring at the house, as if their proximity could affect whether his parents could hear him. "Don’t listen to anything they say. We won’t be staying here, nor will we be moving back."

Dee grabbed his hand. "I know. Let’s go, I want to tell your parents we’re looking into business prospects overseas. Preferably in the entertainment industry."

Logan turned and leveled Dee with a blank look. "Ha ha,"

Dee squeezed his hand and gave him a reassuring smile. Logan couldn’t help notice how sad it was.

Logan sighed and squeezed back, then got out of the car. He waited for Dee, who linked their arms together despite Logan’s disapproval, and they walked to the door.

The door opened before they got there. Logan’s mother tapped her foot and stared at their linked arms. "You’ve been here for ten minutes already."

Logan tightened his grip on Dee warningly. "Apologies, Mother."

"Hmm," Dee said, looking around, unrepentant.

"Come along now," she said, gesturing inside. "And must you gallivant yourselves so publicly?"

"Yes." Dee replied, actively moving slower.

"Dee, please." Logan muttered. "Another time."

Dee entered the house without further protest, brushing his spare hand across Logan’s arm in apology.

Logan’s mother sighed at them, but surprisingly didn’t comment. "Now the funeral doesn’t start until three. We’ll have lunch at twelve, which gives the both of you plenty of time to shower and change into something respectable. Logan, you’ll convince Janus to wear a tie like a civilised person, won’t you?"

Dee glared at her. Logan barely repressed his sigh. "Thank you, Mother."

"I have a lot to do to prepare, so do endeavour to not disturb me. Your father and nephew are in the lounge."

"We shall go say hello."

His mother hesitated for a moment before putting her arms around the both of them, tucking her head into Logan’s neck. Logan froze, and Dee did the same. She pulled away before he could hug her back.

"Yes, well." She said. "I have things to do."

"Wait—" Logan said, but he didn’t know what he was going to say. She walked away before he could say anything.

"... What." Dee muttered. "Did Aunt Witch just hug us? Both of us?"

"I," Logan swallowed, "believe so."

"I forgot to ask," Dee said, lowering his voice, and pulling Logan along in the direction of the lounge, "how’s your knee?"

"It’s fine."

"Hmm, yes, and the sun’s gone dormant,"

"Well," Logan said, about to explain that the sun was due for hibernation.

"No."

Logan sighed. "I’ll be fine. I can rest it when we get to the hotel."

"You can sit in the lounge room," Dee said, ignoring Logan. Logan sighed.

The house was as clean and distant as always. Everything had a place, and that place was designed specifically to enhance the visual pleasure of those visiting, not necessarily for functionality. The lounge room was located past the dining room, across from the kitchen.

The lounge room was silent as they approached. Logan's father was a quiet type, but he knew Patton certainly wasn't. From the hand that gripped at his elbow, Dee agreed with him.

"Father?" Logan said as they came to the doorway.

The room looked like a snapshot in a catalogue. His father sat in an armchair, staring out the window, and Patton sat off to the side, looking lost and blank.

"Logan." His father greeted. "Dee."

"Uncle," Dee greeted in return. "Hello, Patton."

Patton looked at them and his lips twitched in what was probably a smile. "Hello Uncle Dee, Uncle Logan."

"Patton," Logan nodded. Dee squeezed his arm, and Logan spared a moment to be annoyed at his mother-henning before he entered the room. "My we share your couch with you?"

"That's okay, Uncle Logan." Patton nodded, turning away to look out the window.

Dee pushed Logan into the seat next to the armrest and sat next to him. He took Logan's hand and squeezed it rhythmically, something that Logan recognised as one of Dee's self-soothing techniques.

The room went back to silence.

His leg ached in deep, slow, never-ending waves. His heart could be described the same. Logan decided to stop caring about impropriety and shifted himself so he could rest his head on Dee's shoulder. He breathed out a shaky sigh as Dee took his glasses, and closed his eyes as he felt Dee's head against his own.

He couldn't imagine how Patton was feeling.

\----

Hours after an awkward lunch, Logan found himself staring blankly at the ceiling of the hotel room. The bed beneath him was average. He was wrinkling his clothes, but he was sure his suit coat would cover the worst of it. He had a heat pack beneath his knee, and he didn't want to admit that it felt better. Janus was in the shower, and the funeral began in less than an hour.

Logan still wasn't sure what he was feeling, or if he was feeling anything.

It was fascinating.

\----

He wasn't surprised at the crowd of people at the funeral. His parents worked hard, and his mother would have invited everyone she knew. The question of whether Chris or Maya knew these people was in the air.

Dee stayed by his side, his face in a closed off mask and fiddling with the tie Logan had asked him to wear. He had one of Logan's walking sticks, but Logan refused to acknowledge its presence, determined to walk by himself.

Standing at the front, beside the closed coffins, was his parents and Patton. His mother was greeting people, shaking hands and accepting condolences. His father seemed uncomfortable, no doubt wishing to be elsewhere.

Patton was staring into the distance, silent tears falling down his face.

Logan cleared his throat and turned to Dee, blinking back tears of his own. "We should sit with Patton."

"I wouldn't want to sit with anybody else." Dee said.

Logan considered heckling but decided against it. "My mother might fight us."

"I look forward to it."

"Oh, Logan, there you are." His mother said, once they came closer. "Come, join us."

"Apologies, Aunty," Dee said unapologetically. "We were on our way to finding seats."

His mother looked at them, particularly the walking stick Dee carried, and Logan's leg. Her mouth pursed, but it soothed out into an understanding look that they both knew was fake. "Of course, please, sit."

Patton hadn't looked their way.

"Patton," Logan said, "would you like to come sit with us?"

His mother stared at him. Patton blinked as if waking up, rubbed at his eyes and nodded.

Logan didn't look at his parents as they walked on.

"Do you need a tissue?" Logan asked.

"Um, no thank you." Patton whispered. "I'm okay."

"It's alright if you're not okay." Dee said. "I'm not okay and neither is Logan. No one is expecting you to be."

Patton hugged himself and shrugged.

They found seats at the front, off to the side of the coffins. Logan shared a look with Dee, telling him silently that Patton should sit in the middle. Logan sat in the last seat of the row, with space to stretch his leg. He kept it bent to take up less room, and ignored the look Dee gave him as he ushered Patton into the seat beside Logan.

"Oh, no, you sit here Uncle Dee." Patton protested.

"I simply couldn't." Dee said, lying out his teeth. "His outfit offends me. The less people think I'm with him, the better."

Patton fell silent, allowing Dee to gently sit him down as he looked at Logan's suit. "What's wrong with it?"

"I wrinkled it." Logan suggested.

Dee nodded, settling in beside Patton. "It's the cufflinks and the tie, too."

Logan sighed in annoyed fondness. "I do not need cufflinks."

Dee tutted and folded his arms. "You see Patton? He has no taste."

"Um." Patton said, rubbing at his eyes again. "I don't think people notice cufflinks, Uncle Dee."

Dee looked at Logan, sympathy across his features. "You've poisoned him."

"My, how careless of me." Logan returned the look and placed a hand on Patton's shoulder.

"They," Patton said, his voice significantly wetter. "They want me to talk about them."

Logan squeezed Patton's shoulder, and Dee reached over to do the same to Patton's hand.

"You don't have to." Dee said.

Patton shook his head. "Grandma said I have to."

Dee shot said woman a glare.

"If you can't when the time arises, Dee can do it in your stead." Logan said. "I know my mother tried to cut him from the proceedings."

Patton sniffled. "Why?"

Dee barked a laugh. "She doesn't like me much."

"What did you do?"

"Nothing, she just thinks I crippled Logan." Dee shrugged. "Or perhaps it's because she doesn't like Logan and I being together because we're both men or something equally moronic."

"Dee," Logan lightly scolded.

Patton's shoulders shook beneath Logan's hand, and he swapped tracks. "Patton?"

"Grandma says I'm going to live with her and Grandpa," Patton sobbed. "I just want to be home with Mama and Papa. I don't want to live with them. The house is cold and white and they're so quiet, and, and,"

Logan looked to Dee with alarm. Dee rolled his eyes at him and pulled Patton into his arms. Patton went easily, holding tight to Dee's front, and biting his lip.

He looked younger than his fifteen years, sobbing into Dee. Logan's heart spasmed.

"You could come with us."

Dee snapped his head around to stare at him, and that's when Logan realised what he said. He had meant every word, but he hadn't been expecting to say it.

"I know we live far away, but it would be more comfortable there for you." Logan continued. "I don't expect you to make this choice now, but know that the offer is there."

Patton nodded but didn't seem interested in moving away from Dee.

"It'll be alright," Dee said. "Things suck right now, but they'll get better."

Logan placed his hand on Patton's back and hesitated before moving it around in circles. Patton's body shuddered under his touch, but the boy just shifted so it would be easier for both of them to comfort him. Logan closed his eyes and took a moment to breathe. He gingerly stretched out his leg and knew that Dee was right. He decided that he wanted to be there to help Patton. He hoped that Dee would agree.

"Research has found that shedding emotional tears releases oxytocin and endorphins." Logan said, in his own attempt at comfort. "These chemicals may ease both physical and emotional pain."

Dee gave him an incredibly fond look. Logan didn't think it would be hard to convince his life-partner to help him support Patton.

"Cry all you want, Patton. We have tissues."

No, not hard at all.


End file.
